Thanks to all for the kind thoughts, prayers and HUGZ. I do truelly appreciate all of it. I have one hand hanging onto a root to keep me from falling deeper into the pit. The dogs are clamering for my soul and I am just SO damm tired of fighting. I see no purpose to continue to suffer. There are others who are far younger, just as if not more able to do what I do daily both IRL, on the ranch and at work. I have tried so hard to reach my shrink, I think I was going to try her at home tonight, but I am not up to the effort. I went to see my PCP (primary care provider) about a new and different pain that has plagued me for the last 1 1/2 weeks. Did the recommended test for what he was sure was going on with me but once again "tests were within normal range" I knew this before he reviewed them with me due to his stalling. This man has truely saved my life in the past by being my contract person, the person you promise to call before you harm yourself. His father died recently and I feel that if I fufill my promise that it may push him over the edge. No far better to break the promise, make sure things look to be accidental, double the life ins, nobody is wiser and those around go on....