Hi kittycappucine
so sorry you are struggling this way
I hope you understand but I had to do some edits to your last post because our guidelines ask that members not make graphic suicidal posts and also to preferably discuss thoughts of suicide on our SOS forum here
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html
The members there are very caring and understand what you are going through.
I would also like to leave you a link to a website
http://www/metanoia.org/suicide
I do hope you find help to deal with the pain, and hope for Life.