CG posted in my home again thread...

hits the nail dead on. i mean, get this, i signed for this contract near end June, but it was informally agreed upon before then. started July 1st. ON July 1st, i browse teaching jobs... just out of curiosity... expecting to find nothing as usual.

found 2 openings for an English teacher starting September, with a *really* reputable institute. this one is usually strict about cert, and the ad did specify that, but sometimes, despite the written rules, places will let ppl do their cert during their first year.

what really sucks is i know there was certification session over the summer i could have done...

it just seems like i am getting signs from everywhere that i need to start over... tv shows... there is some character that talks about starting over, someone says it's never too late... etc that kind of thing. i meet kindred spirits off to find themselves... and think yeah, i always just followed the "practical route." these keeps coming and coming and coming around. and these jobs in my field... i can't help wondering if my inability to really click is because well, i don't and never did.

the problem seems to be me, guts, etc. i dunno. a teacher's pay may not get me out of my parents' house in terms of able to pay rent. teaching was never an ambition, or a dream, so a little concern is justified... would i be jumping from the frying pan into the fire? but it seems a much closer fit that developing software.

i am sad. i am also deathly afraid of burning bridges. my parents are extremely concerned about me giving up this contract half way because it would do just that - with the client and with the contractor both... but again it seems all about fear.

i am in pain, physical pain. stupid physical things keep happening, too, or bipolar episodes. last contract (the one that ended this June), i had all sorts of issues .... URIs, migraines, not to mention cycling harder than i had in a while. and this is not the first time by any means.

who has read "Illusions" by Richard Bach? Remember the story about the river creatures, told by the messiah in the beginning? i am one of the clinging creatures, perpetually afraid to let go.

coming out of the psych hospital several years ago after having quit my job point blank in a mixed mania, i had ideas about trying artsy things... no clue how to go about... no formal training. A friend said, "Sometimes you just have to follow your heart."

but it seems i have

NO GUTS

to let go and let that crystal current take you where it may....

why am i so afraid?
are most people as afraid as i am?
do most of us just muddle along in jobs we fence ourselves into but are mostly allergic to, placated by drugs (incl. more meds than we might otherwise need), alcohol and/or simply reaping enough material benefits and "toys" to distract us from who we are inside?

those who wish to be
must put aside the alienation
get on with the fascination
the real relation
the underlying theme

from Limelight by Rush