i am not good at plans. in fact i am pretty bad at plans. i don't like them.
generally i get an idea or a feeling and it stirs until it either goes away or i act on it. right now what is stirring in my head is very negative:-

i keep having thoughts about what can i do to get myself fired. if i do i will lose both the client and the contractor. i may or may not lose respect from my parents but, knowing i orchestrated it, i will surely lose self-respect.

conversely if i quit, i may lose some self-respect for not sticking things out, and will certainly lose respect from my parents - for not getting another job first.

what sucks though, is that my mother insists complete this contract before changing jobs because this contractor "helped me" when i was jobless and nobody else did. but i can see a business shark in him, and i am certain he did not "take me under his wing" out of the goodness of his heart. my low economic expectations gave him opportunity pitch me to clients for a good bit higher.

the first contract he may not have had a huge margin due to the middleman. but with this current contract, there is no-one else between him and the client. so i asked him if i could make a little more - split the difference... he said NO, that he wanted to make up (on his side) for the previous contract, where the rate was devastatingly low (really??? sorry, i don't buy it... not for the expectations placed on me there!)

meanwhile, i feel taken advantage of. they are using multiple skills - i am corresponding in English with foreign contacts... someone else was doing that before, but at this point it seems to have shifted onto me a lot. i am dragged into meetings, have to write them up etc etc etc. and i'm still supposed to meet the programming deadlines. i'm sure that he capitalized on these skills in negotiating my contract. they were discussed in the interview. i am sure the client is paying HIM for all this, but i am not seeing any of it. might care less if i were enjoying the job, but i am not.

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a personal note.... he is a good manipulator. he uses tone just right that everything is fine mostly... then will drop a line or a tone that i fear the rug being pulled out... i react - he reassures me. he keeps me on my toes emotionally. i don't like that. my reaction tells him he's in control. so far i haven't managed not to fall for it... hence "good manipulator."

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this is business. if i quit i will owe him a month's notice per contract as i see it, no more, no less. he is no good samaritan.

it would be best to get another job first. and i might be able to, but it would still be within the field, for now, i think. i've let things go too long. the teaching openings are mostly in September.

as for what my body is saying... i hate to admit. i am getting that feeling of resistance i have felt before. it is getting very strong. it can take me bad places. it has before.

~ waves ~