Hi Kitty,

OMG your situation is soooo like what mine was 4 years ago. I know you feel like there isn't any options, I know that despair.

I am so glad you posted here, we can help. I just found this site a month or so ago, sure wish I had found it 4 years ago. I ended up attempting very seriously. Actually I did die and they brought me back.

I have children too. Do not make any attempts, I lost my children because of it. I had no other mental health history but they took her anyway.

I have so much I can tell you about what has worked for me that might work for you, I'll never get it all in one post so you HAVE to keep coming back.

First, how is your pain level? Not adequately treating my pain was a huge factor in attempting. I have fibromyalgia and degenerative disc disease with spinal stenosis. I had lost my insurance as I was too sick to work and could not afford my meds nor qualified for aid. I know RSD is awful, have friends that have it. What meds are you on? I am very knowledgeable about meds so names are usually enough for me to understand.

I know that journalling can be very helpful. Please be careful, I had my journal stolen by my x-husband and used in court against me during the custody battle after I attempted. He even gave copies to my then current husband. Be very very careful.

Oh my, to be a mother and want to die. I don't think there is anything more horrible. It is utter anguish to be pulled in those two extreme directions. I thought that my children would be better off if I died. I thought that with me they would end up in a homeless shelter and with their fathers they would be taken care of. The fathers would not help them/me while they were with me. This is so far from the truth. Ended up that my youngest was sexually and physically abused by her father and my older 3 have never been allowed to see me since.

Hang on Kitty. That baby really does need you. Hang on until you can see that there are options and you are still a great Mom even when you don't feel like you are.

There are some wonderful people here, they will help you hold on.

whew. that's enough for one post. More later...

Free Kittens