I realized that the original was hard to read for some, but I can't edit my posts for some reason. Please read the following. Sorry.

I am now 13 months+ into this nightmare. At the end of July, I broke up with an amazing woman I had been seeing since the previous October. I wasn't happy, and it was starting to really ruin the experience. The constant headache had really begun to wear on me, and the closer I got to the mythical 1 year mark where the problems I have seem to be irreversible, the more anxiety and stress seemed to weigh on me.

She was always such a positive person, and my negative attitude, mood swings and feeling of hopelessness were passed onto her, and I could tell it was a burden for her everytime I would snap, or just break into tears whenever the slightest argument came up. We would disagree over something, and I couldn't just let it go, the anxiety would tear me up. I was never able to really communicate for fear of her getting to really know how messed up inside I was, and she would leave. Eventually it was too much, I was overwhelmed, and thought it would be kinder to her and easier on me to go this alone. She told me she still loved me, but I just couldn't get over the idea that just about everything was hopeless, and withdrew.

I was doing okay until about 2 weeks ago, when I took a soccer ball over the left eye, not a terribly hard blow, that brought me back to essentially the level of headache I was at a year ago. The scariest part of the incident to me is that I never even saw it coming. Like there is something wrong with my vision/tracking. I never had a problem with that in the last year.

I have had to tell my friends that I don't think I can play soccer anymore. I have played this games since I was 5 years old. I don't think I can in good conscious race a motorcycle any longer due to this new fear about my vision and reaction times. The past two weeks have been some of the darkest of my life. I feel like I am on the verge of tears all the time. I have never honestly thought that this life just isn't worth it until now. Please spare me your comments about how giving up these activities is "for the greater good" and "this is the rest of your life you're dealing with." I get it. I am terrified. Everyone comments on these things in here like it is the easiest thing in the world to give up the things you love.

She was the most loving and caring person, and I threw it away. I wanted so desperately to be someone that I'm not anymore. I can't come to grips with this broken person that I am now. What kind of man cries all the time about nothing? Why would she want to be with me like that? I'm not the confident, funny, fun person I was last winter, and I have no idea where that person went, or how to find him again.

I am just wondering if anyone else's love has disintegrated before their eyes because of their symptoms. I don't know what to do. There is a giant part of me that is crying out to do something to get her back, and the logical side sometimes says "go fix yourself first." I just don't think she will still be there when I am somewhat recovered from all this. I am trying to find a psychologist to talk to, and work on the anxiety, emotions, guilt and everything else. If anyone has experienced this horrendous level of self doubt, please help me. I don't think I can live the rest of this ruined life without her in it.