(((Jo, Addy, Ginnie, Alffe)))

thank you all for your kind responses and just for being here for me.

Jo*mar, thank you for posting and for your prayers. you are right to a degree - it will pass... or at least, attenuate. i feel this is an existential malaise that will continue, as an undercurrent, as long as i do not live true to myself. but over the years, i have lost myself, so i don't know how to do that. so i feel destroyed within. an empty shell washed up on a beach. scary.

Addy and Ginnie, i am so sorry you are in this stupid pit with me. i will keep you both in my prayers. i pray a lot lately even though i have a sort of eclectic faith, so i don't always use conventional prayers. but sometimes i do.

Ginnie, i remember when you joined up also. you made the most amazing supportive posts to people telling us of your own successes and giving encouragement. what is going to happen with your home? do you have someone you can stay with? that is so scary.

i am so grateful i can confide in you folks here.

and to reiterate what seems like it may not have been clear enough in my first post - i am not contemplating - like i said, i'd be afraid of both success and failure. so i'm not really "at risk." i just... wish i weren't alive.

thank you all again.

(((for the room)))

waves