(((Mari, Steve, Bobby, Bizi, Alffe)))

thank you all for your support.

there is no one i can talk to here. i cannot tell my parents. i've told them such things before and the replies were "don't be ridiculous" and "stop with that nonsense." or they just let it drop. when i have said in earnest i felt like doing myself in (past) my mom once said "that word isn't in my vocabulary.'

my pdoc is also my tdoc. i don't see that he can do anything for me. i can't take antidepressants due to the recent mania that was hard to quash - never took so much stupid depakote in my life.

i am too afraid of both success and failure to DO anything besides wish... so it's not like i'm in danger. tg because the general ward conditions here are awful and i can't afford a private room.

i feel that this is more existential than chemical. most of my life i have lived swayed by the thoughts of others. between that and manic impulses that do not last. ironically though during those times i have actually believed in myself enough to disregard others - and even good sense and go my own way, but it was always relatively short lived. manias end. depression follows if it did not precede but in either state the influence of others is heavy on me.

at some point, maybe i had choices. now, i feel as though i've lost myself completely.

waves washing up the empty shell