Forgiving me for dumping this out…I just need to get it out somewhere private where others might understand.

The past few months I’ve seen three neuropsychologists and two therapists for evaluations for court hearing next week. We’re in the fiduciary hearings for the claims and court actions against the insurance companies. These sessions weren’t for testing, but about my daily life, stress, family and my support system…How the day to day things affect me and what my needs are.

There were several sessions with me and a couple with just my husband. There started to be a lot of questions geared towards my relation/marriage with my husband. My accident was in August of 2009. I was married in May of 09, only a few months before the accident.

In the last two sessions with just me, there have been some issues brought up regarding my husband not being physically and emotionally supportive. The reasoning being that my financial outlook should not include my husband’s income in determining my damages because the sessions “revealed” that I may do better physically, emotionally and mentally being on my own and that I was slowly coming to that conclusion. The social worker has discussed that she is concerned that eventually I will leave my marriage due to the strain and drain it puts one me.

Somewhere way back in the shadows of my mind, I suppose I knew that. My husband is not a bad guy, but he’s extremely passive and heavily dependent on me. Too dependent.

During one of the sessions with both my husband and myself, the therapist was talking with us about household organization; something that husband is terrible at and it causes me much frustration. I need structure and repetition so I know what’s what and which is where. It doesn’t work out so good cause husband moves everything around on me and frequently changes up our household routine. Passive agressive maybe. Sometimes it feels like he doesn't want me to get better.

The therapist came right out and asked him if he was sabotaging my progress or hindering my well-being without realizing that was what he was doing. This part is hard for me…My husband laid his head over on my arm, almost my lap, like a small child would do and said very timidly, he was doing the best he could, but he’s always been the “baby” of his family (youngest of four) and he was used to being taken care of.

It wasn’t what he said that sent me spiraling, but that he laid his head on me as if he were a child that needed consoling and coddling. I was embarrassed and, well, ashamed of how weak and meek he came off as.

It’s not the first time it’s been brought up that he may be too needy to be supportive for me. Most of my friends think he’s a nice guy but that his emotional needs are too much for me if I’m to have any recovery at all.

I thought about this many times but then always pushed it to the back of my mind. I’ve thought about how much easier it would be for me to concentrate on me if I weren’t so exhausted trying to keep my marriage normal all by myself.

My physical therapist even talked to him about things, little things that my husband could do to help me along, but it was to no avail. I explained that he (husband) just didn’t get what a TBI is all about. My therapist told me that he does get, but he’s not the kind of person that wants to deal with other’s needs or will make the effort.

It’s hitting me now…I wasn’t making anything “look” normal or be normal. Everyone was seeing the drain and strain on me and they all knew why. Maybe I did too, I don’t know. Maybe I felt it, but needed validation that I was feeling sucked to dry of energy to have anything left for me.

I’m going to be asked a lot of question about my life/living with a TBI during the hearings and I’ve been advised so. I’m embarrassed that I’ve put my own healing on the back shelf or may have been in denial of what’s hindering some kind of recovery, even if minimal recovery and just learning a new way. He holds me back.

I used to be a strong person, very independent. I was a single parent (widowed) for 13 years before I met my husband. I miss the ease and simplicity of just taking care of me.

Again, I apologize for just dumping this out here. It’s not just the TBI that has changed me but also having to hold up both ends of the marriage on my own. I’m feeling like I have and still am sacrificing what’s best for me to not hurt him. I’m not supported, helped or encouraged…I don’t think he knows how to, or possibly just doesn't wants to.

I know the divorce rate is high under circumstances of health issues and now I'm starting to believe that having a TBI really does change everything, or is at least opening my eyes to what I didn't see before.