Alffe: I know having a pet is supposed to help with loneliness, but I just can't handle one of my own. Pets take lots of energy (and money) and need fed and walked and played with... sometimes I don't even have the energy to feed myself. And I refuse to get a pet only to neglect it thus spreading the misery. I would try to take care of it but I would just end up resenting it for using up what little energy I have.

Waves: I have tried speaking to "professionals," I've also tried going to a doctor and getting anti-depressants. But the truth is, I'm an extreamly private person and I'm very uncomfortable talking to people about personal things, especially if that person is a disinterested stranger who is, by definition, payed to pry all of my private thoughts away while judging me. And after they strip away every shred of modesty I have, they make some stilted "insight" as to why I feel this why and suggest ways to make it stop. I DON'T NEED THEM TO INTERPERATE MY THOUGHTS BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO THOUGHT THEM. I already know why I feel every feeling I've ever felt. I always end up getting sick of trying to make them understand and just pretend to get better so I don't ever have to talk to them again.

Anyway, LOL, my feelings about doctors aside, moderately depressed definately describes my baseline mood, and I already know why. I'm unhappy because I don't like life. Anti-depressants don't work because there are no brain chemicals in need of balancing. There is only a sad little life and a person who doesn't want it. I do realize I think almost exclusively on the negative side of all issuses but I still try to force myself not to dwell on every bad thing that happens. The only reason I've survived so long without acting upon my suicidal instincts is because I force myself not to think about anything. I don't imagine the terrible future, and I don't recall the terrible past. I just try to kill time until I can go to sleep. And, honest to God, the only way I can fall asleep is by closing my eyes and imagining as hard as I can that I'm happy. If I stop to allow reality back in, I lay tossing and turning for hours...

Sorry for the long rambling post, I just need to feel like someone in the world knows how I'm feeling.

Lara and Ginnie: *sigh* I try not to defeat myself and I try to hold onto hope, but it's been so long, and I'm so tired... I can't make myself believe the despair will end until my life ends, and I want my life to end so badly... I try to do kind things for myself (no one else will), I even go out to a mall or something and walk around looking for something I might enjoy, trying to think of something to do. But it always, always, ends in frustration, because I don't really like anything, and I don't really want to do anything, so I just go home and sit alone until it's time for bed.

Thank you all for posting and trying to help. I know it's not easy to try to help the terminally inconsolable. I'm really not a pessimist more of a realist... I see the world based on the experiances it's given me. It even helps sometimes. For instance, last night after I typed my post, I figured something bad would happen and prevent it from going through, and all my words would be lost forever. So I copied everything and hit submit, and sure enough, the website had logged me out when I was typing, and when I tried to log back in the internet froze and I had to start over. And I'll copy everything again tonight too... we all view the world based on how it's treated us.


PS. The damn thing tried to destroy my post again