Dear Mari
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mari
I totally understand about being lost.
|
thanks.
Quote:
|
Every decade or two we can redefine how we think of ourselves. If I ever was creative I certainly am not now. I can recognize creativity in others and appreciate it. That's were I am now. I don't know how I would define myself today
|
i feel i have lost something
simply essential. A big thing that is part of who i am and ever will be and has ramifications far and wide. It is stilting.
Quote:
|
I am a survivor. Somedays that's where I am in my head.
|
yes you are. i can relate to that too. sometimes it's all i can do to get through waking hours... even sleeping hours when the bad dreams hit.
Quote:
|
Most of the time, I don't think I define myself at all. I don't try to put a pin on anything. I stay fluid. I might be able to describe myself by age, my hubby and family, where I live, . . . . but none of those are who I am.
|
i see these things as circumstantial, not essential. they answer questions like how, where and why, but not
who, and those answers may vary widely over ones lifetime. i firmly believe that
who a person is remains the same in spirit, in essence.... that "
the song remains the same." i believe a person can cultivate themselves in different ways, but that their growth in one direction or another will simply be alternate variations on a theme.
put simply, you will not grow an apple tree from a pumpkin seed.
Quote:
|
I think that who I am might be revealed at some later date.
|
quite possible. and makes me question, for myself also, have i been misled... lol... have i misread the "call"... maybe my call has not yet come. i think however that we can hear a call and answering it may not always be easy. i think the ease may ebb and flow with circumstance. i believe i have been pulled far enough i cannot hear it. that does not mean it is not there. i believe it is.
Quote:
|
. . . just saying to you that you can forgive yourself for moving away from the person you used to be. You have gifts.
|
I cannot forgive something i do not feel guilt for. i have made mistakes - we all do - but i also made a lot of progress. And besides that i believe in circumstance. Some kids will die before they are 1 year old because of their circumstances. Are they supposed to feel guilty too? Can i just be scared and sad and feel lost, period?
What am i supposed to feel guilty / forgive myself for?
Inspiration comes and goes. It has been too long and i miss it much as i would a good friend with whom i've lost touch. After a while you wonder if the friend is... alive. But this friend is within me,
it is my core. I don't know how else to get that across.
I feel pitted.
However i do not feel like i did this to myself. I do not feel i pitted myself. I snatch at the slightest hint of inspiration. But when the wind doesn't blow,
it just doesn't blow.... it's a bit like trying to control the weather... I think the most i could possibly do is attempt some sort of acceptance? ...that the magic wind has left me... abandoned this instrument.
Quote:
|
for You are still you -- a you who is deserving.
|
Well thank you. I think you are trying to remind me to look at what is left rather than what is lost. It's just that what is lost is soooo big.... it is not easy. Then again maybe it's like when a word is on the tip of your tongue. The harder to you try to get it, the more elusive it becomes. Perhaps if i stop seeking inspiration it will find me again?
You always provide much food for thought Mari. I appreciate that.
You help me process things. This one really hit the gut. (that currently gaping donut hole...
)
I will try to find ... or notice ... other uses ...
... for the instrument, for now lost at sea
~ waves ~ without wind are not a sea