good day all,

hoped the beautiful weather would have eased up the pain a bit
no luck
my daily routine is not what i would like it 2 b
even though i am in control of me
pain supersedes all
i am a strong minded person
with restrictions
afraid of hurting myself even more
finances keeps me limited
i will have 2 seek aid and apply for help with food
must put my pride aside and just do it
my upper neck and right shoulder
lower back are ever so painful
but what bothers me mostly are
my long arms and hand and fingers just don't cut it anymore
my left arm is useless with extreme pain
both thumbs never gotten better
all 10 fingers crippling
i hate that this has taken my life as i was once not 2 long ago was a regular volleyball player
the projects i have in the apartment is still waiting
i love painting (walls) design, projects that move me
gone
it's as if all i love 2 do has been taken away
and yet 2 push myself even harder because the pain is so much worse
i am convinced with all the complications i experienced
1st and 2nd time around errors were made
i have been compliant and have caught and found manipulation
in explanations given given 2 me
red flag as far as i'm concerned
luckily i always had a advocate with me
2 many grey explanations when i ask questions
i do take charge of myself
for my surgeon not 2 have red flagged my pupils and dismiss
my concerns 2 date disturbed me in a way that just doesn't sit right
for me 2 have suffered a heart attack i believe was during the first surgery
my heart was cleared, i had a cath done in 05 and at that time no clogs deemed a healthy heart
no reason 2 be asked the questions i experienced directly after 1st surgery
the hematoma was huge and drained twice after 2nd surgery i expressed 2 my doctor it feels as if it still needed 2 be drained again, dismissed request
my family took pictures, he wasn't happy 2 hear that, however pictures do not lie
but then again anything can be altered with computers today
but i'll never forget how it took me 2 my knees and hands 2 get from bed 2 the bathroom and forget about the pain 2 get up on the bowl
not normal so i was told
it was the size of a 1/2 a grapefruit, huge
when i went 2 the hospital as per his order 2 drain it
not a word
this began when in the hospital and he sent me home only 2 return 2 the hospital
in the end i believe doing homework
certain things just don't jive, something isn't right
it is not better
and continues 2 get worse
after seeing him in 2 weeks, and hearing what he has 2 say
i have decided 2 seek out answers with other doctors
not working is a direct result of my physical condition
not cool
i understood that limitations were in the future
but nothing like this
one day at a time
my days are nights
my nights are days
i try 2 keep a positive outlook
it is all in gods hands
whatever will be will be
i am responsible
and have been able 2 make a difference in the world by example
i am so wiped out most of the time with
PAIN, nice weather or not, it consumes so much of me
it is hard to focus on happiness
i will find my way
but my gut says something is very wrong
anyway i look at it
not looking 2 blame
but i know my body

trying 2 look at what i have to be greatful for, and it's a awful lot

remember i still have trouble understanding how 2 work the computer

much love and peace for all

p.s. separate tags using a comma is an example (?) it's confusing 2 me
i apologize