My first love and best friend, Madison passed away one year ago on October 14, 2010 from complications after brain surgery. I try not talking about it because I haven't actually face it. But I think it might be time to talk about it.

Madison and I met over six years ago, I was seventeen & he was eighteen. We became friends instantly & were really close friends before we started dating. We lived together for over a year & got engaged when I was nineteen. Our wedding was planned for May 2009. But January 2009 our world was turned upside down. A routine eye exam turned our world into a nightmare & put out wedding dreams were post-pond endefinately. Within a week after the eye exam we found out he had a brain tumor & had to have surgery. He started recovering, but by April 2009 we broke up so he could focus on himself only. It tore me apart, but it was best for him. He was doing great & getting back to himself til October 2009. They found another brain tumor & this time it was cancerous. He went through surgery again & then radiation & chemotherapy. December 31, 2009 his dad told me he was in remission & could start physical therapy again. I was so glad to hear that. Madison & I stayed best friends & I visited him as much a I could. I spoke with his dad almost every week to keep up to date, even when my husband & I started dating. My husband was also a very good friend of mine & very understanding. Madison continued his therapy & then I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to tell Madison about it & about my husband (whom at the time had just became my fiancee), but the Madison started sleeping a lot more. I'd go visit, but he was always so tired... And I didn't really get a chance to tell him I was pregnant or getting married. Then a few days before my wedding I got a call from Madison's dad... Madison had a stroke because the shunt the doctors put in during the first surgery malfunctioned. The surgery left him paralyzed except for one of his hands. I wanted to visit, but his dad didn't want it to upset me. His dad had also became a wonderful friend to me as well, he kept me informed & kept me feeling upbeat & feeling like Madison would recover. We honestly just thought it would be a long hard road, but that Madison could do it. Then the first week of October 2010 Madison's dad called & said hospice had been called in & that Madison was coming home. He said I needed to prepare myself & say goodbye. So when Madison came home, I told my husband I wanted to do it on my own because I felt it would be best for everyone. Madison knew I had been seeing someone & he knew it was serious, but I hadn't told him I was married. His parents told him I was pregnant, but we left out the marriage part. When I visited with Madison for the last time, he couldn't speak... He could tap his fingers to let me know he understood but thats it. So I talked to my best friend. I told him what he meant to me, I told him he'd be so proud of the person I had become. He always wanted me to be this strong, independent woman and I became just that! I told him how much I would always love him & that he was my first love... I never said goodbye. I know I said what needed to be said... But still when I got the call from his dad... I didn't prepare myself for it. I didn't deal with it, I was pregnant & dealing with being high risk as it was so I was scared to really greive & let myself feel the pain. Plus his dad had been my strength through it & now he needed strength so yes I cried but I kept it together. Now it's been a year, I still haven't fully grieved... But I know I'm ok because his dad & I are still close, (he's even my sons "uncle") and we get to talk about the good memories. Which is nice, I know I will eventually deal with Madison's death, but I'm scared to because I don't want to break in front of my son. My husband is so understanding and he's truly the love of my life, but he worries about me too because he knows Madison wasn't just an ex. Madison was my first love and my best friend. I do dread the day I break down & truly realize that Madison is really gone & not coming back. But right now I still expect him to come through his dads door...