Originally Posted by polygon

Hi Fido.
Not going to tell you my life story unless you want it lol but I've been through some tough times (sexual and physical abuse, drug addict sister, group home, suicidal parents, having to try my best to keep my father alive after his suicide attempt, etc) and I too have attempted suicide multiple times.
I too have been able to rationalize the thought of suicide, and still can - I find it remarkably easy to find all the evil and despair in the world. These thoughts though, are just thoughts. They are distressing, sometimes intrusive or obsessive, but not commands. You sound like an extremely intelligent man, and have most likely already realized what I just said, but maybe can't take it to heart yet.

I've been through years of therapy and medications (I am 20 now, and started at 13) and honestly I never took any of it to heart, or so I thought. Eventually I learned to just observe my thoughts, and try to recognize when I getting obsessed on one idea, like suicide, and distract myself. Recently I got a new psychiatrist, and it was just nice to open up finally, and not be as restricted as I was when I was younger and fiercely just wanted to die and reject help.

I'm lucky to have survived my attempts, although I still have damage from them. Of course I didn't see it as a good thing at the time, but now I can appreciate it. I'm not a religious person at all, so I don't have any sort of views on that (lost my faith at an early age).
At the time of my attempts, I thought the same way, that suicide would be a way out of my problems, a fresh start, a way to finally be out of pain. Now, I feel like it would be a complete waste of my life. My view is that after I die, there will be nothing. No cognition, no light, or family or a new life, just a true vacuum. So, I'd rather take my chances trying to help myself or make some small contribution to the world that I can be proud of, even if it only meaningful to me.

Haha reading this over a couple times, I realized it may mean absolutely nothing to you, I'm terribly awkward at expressing myself online. I guess if anything else, there's been a whole lot of people in a similar situation. You are literally never going to be alone or in this fight on your own, and if you reach out, there are others ready to take your hand and fight with you.

I'll leave you with my favourite quote.
"There's too much beauty to quit."