good day all

my appointment isn't till 2:00
the lump is still hanging around
i don't even know how to express the
emotions that run through me
i had a horrible night with other issues
found under spinal disorder
waiting for meds to kick in
takes about 45 minutes
till then i thought i would share
i find myself extremely depressed
i'll have tomorrow with my
psychiatrist he does help
it's over a year now
till then i am happy that this forum exists
the last time i looked at the clock
was 3:15 a.m. with nightmares too follow
horrible, unspeakable
lots of blood and violence
what in heavens name would
bring on such violence is disturbing
in my waking life i live
as we all do
have situations that is just not
in our control
to stop it i just got up
only to be reminded
the doctor
my eldest child (30) will be with me
i always said in the past if by chance
and the odds are there
in worse case and test show
positive
i said i would have both breasts removed
and still would
what i can't wrap my brain around is
they served its purpose
i breast fed all my four children
one up till 30 months
i was married a long time ago
and divorced just 25 years now
decided then never to marry again
i don't have someone special
because i don't trust
my relationships are limited
i feel so alone
so scared
hard accepting that this
is really happening
everything a test
it is just so much at once
blowing my mind
i am relieved knowing i
have done my job and had my mammos
faithfully that should calm me a bit
but honestly the attachment
is not making any sense
i am 50 years young
although the grey gives it away
so much confusion in my gut
if you know what i mean
i just want it over already
i want to live life
knowing darn well i am responsible for it
something i do not know how to respond at
the thought of them being gone
it sounds so vein
and by far it isn't that
so many women and men
die
i'm going to go now
smack myself around a little
get out of the poor me crap
i just want to FEEL happy
i have many things in my life
just be grateful
and stop with the grief
in my writing i'm sure
the confusion is evident
i'll get over it
get tested do not hesitate
or procrastinate
may that be the message