good day

well this is now over a week that pain has awakened me
somewhere in this time a night i couldn't sleep at all
my whole body is cry in pain
my neck, back, arms and the knees and down both feet
took a 4 mg muscle relaxer as my tense body is stiff
i finally made it to my pcp
sending me yet again to another pain specialist
for what is called a pain pump
he told me of a patient who suffers similar too myself
and said it has given back a life she had forgotten she lived
she was lucid and comfortable
i know my body better than any doctor
i told my pcp without a doubt second surgery
took most of my life from me
and that my surgeon is so arrogant and not
responsive to my calls and treats me as though like
my daughter heard him say to a nurse after my second
surgery how i was one of his most "problematic" patient
and even though he was called on his dung
only humbled him for awhile
i still haven't fused yet
all meds i am taking is just more than i would like
i can't take lyrica for fibromyalgia because of its side affects
therefore i just live with the constant tingles and scratchy
piercing deep pain of it surgeon won't hear any of that
let me remind those following my story its too is in my head
do i take all this and start with yet another neurosurgeon
going through all the test, oh jeez i'll NEVER forget the
discogram ever with all its complications
nuclear stress stress
two series of cirtizone shots in my back (unsuccessful)
3 conflicting ENT'S
the array of drugs and its reactions deadly that included patches
the umteen x-rays
cat scans
3 emg
mri's
the loss of hair
god the beautiful thick hair still falling out
the hardware plate, screws, cage cadaver bones
the violation (sexual) by transport employees
reported
hematomas that need draining several times
the cane and collars
JUST TO MENTION A COUPLE
my thyroglosscal cyst that has become active and grown
now a lump in my right breast
oh and horners syndrome after second surgery
what does one think
when left in worse status than before anything started
pain in the neck radiating down my right whole arm
numbing and tingling in fingers knees and feet
i'm like take me away
on my 3rd approved leave
and a lawyer telling me
you need to see a 2nd neurosurgeon to show and back me
on any wrong doing
im already good for almost nothing
can't cook my passion
can't drive
it hurts to take the elevator
enough
thank goodness for my shrink
and this forum
that humbles me
but damn it i want to sleep
need to return to work
i'm only 50 years young
i want to live
be able to get a hug without hurting
hold my beautiful new 1st grandchild eva
be able to share intimacy ya know
talk about depression
i'm sick sick sick of it
jeez the money made off me blows my mind EOB's
and to be left in such a state
yeh you could say i get angry
once in a while
could have been worse
typing away hurts but helps when i can vent
i apologize
i shut up and try going back to sleep
without nightmares
having quite a bit when i do get sleep
to all that need healing
may we give thanks
waiting for better days
thank you for letting me share
any input welcomed
so now we are talking pain pump
wishing all a better mood
and restful sleep