I am confused as to why you need to be involved in these outside activities for your self-esteem. In my mind, getting control over your behavioral problems is the best way to maintain your self-esteem.

By reorganizing your daily activities and taking responsibility for your outbursts, you will improve the home environment and your own recovery. I have had plenty of episodes of explosive behavior. I had to make choices of picking the battles to fight. Many battles are just not worth the effort. All they do is cause commotion.

The world may try to sell the need to do everything to have self esteem, but they do not live in your body or household. As a man and the sole provider for my family for 25 years, going on disability was a struggle. But, it allowed me to get better control of my day to day behaviors.

There are plenty on NT who have had to let go of many of the activities that gave them purpose. We have just had to reinvent ourselves and redefine our purpose.

You can do it. Take care of yourself first so you can be there for you family. It is well worth the effort.

btw, Anti-anxiety drugs are not addicting in the true sense of addiction. They may have side effects and cause some difficulties when one tries to stop or reduce dosages, but if the dose is reduces slowly, it is much easier to do. Your family will likely choose a calmer you with some of the side effects than the you they have now.

I would much rather have a flat affect (lack of or reduced emotional response) that have the volatile personality I had before. My wife would agree.