Dear Phyllis

i'm so sorry you have landed in this difficult situation, and i truly hope that your friend gives you a second chance. i know your heart was in the right place.

did i understand correctly, that the person you confided in, about your friend, was in the same support group? so all people that know each other?

if so, one bit of "advice" i have, not so much for this situation, but for the future, should you find yourself having trouble dealing with emotions based on what a friend has confided in you, is that, if you, in turn, share what has been confided with someone else, you choose someone who is strictly outside the circle. if you don't have anyone "safe" like that, this might mean talking about it in your own therapy sessions. that is the safest place usually.

i understand his feelings about broken trust. he doesn't feel he has control over that information any more, and the fact that it was shared with another group member could mean that it will "spread" ... and i'm sure that is very upsetting to him.

so yes, i agree you do owe him an apology, because you broke a confidence. he may not be forthcoming about accepting it, or about trusting you in the immediate sense, but give him some time. things like this do not get fixed overnight, so, offer him your patience as well at this point. i know it is hard. even if he says he will never trust you again... i have learned that people sometimes say things like that out of hurt...he may feel that way now, but given time to heal he may come around nonetheless.

on a slightly different slant: your boundaries:

you got overwhelmed by his pain. you have your own fragilities, and need to take care of yourself first. imho, when someone is confiding/sharing too much pain with you, this is hurtful to you. not that they mean to hurt you. you must be the one to set the boundaries. you can do this in concrete ways, for instance if the person wants to talk on the phone, or have coffee, right at the outset, let them know you have only a half hour or an hour... so that the "session" doesn't get protracted into an emotional dumping that will take it out of you... and then perhaps be repeated a day or too later.

this is based on the oxygen mask principle. you know how in airplanes they say, put the oxygen mask on yourself before assisting others. that is because if you don't, you could suffocate while struggling to assist someone else (like a child), and then you both die. once you keep yourself safe, you are in a position to help someone else, and in a position to try and try again if there are difficulties.

as far as the boundaries go, they are entirely your responsibility, and if your friend suggests he was wrong or tries to apologize for "dumping on you too much," my suggestion is to tell him that the main source of your pain was your sense of inability to help him. I would also tell him outright that it is your responsibility, and not his, to limit yourself if you start to feel overwhelmed, because only you can know what you can handle. i would not let him walk away with a sense of fault or guilt about overwhelming you - as it will cause him to distance himself, not only for lack of trust which is hopefully temporary, but for fear of hurting you which might be more permanent.

i hope some of this helps.

take care Phyllis. you have a big heart.
(maybe too big for your own good sometimes! ...meant in the best way!)

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~