hi.

well i have just had 2 days where i was supposed to go to the city and i was just too anxiety ridden. today it was triggered. yesterday i woke up with it... it was like i had a monkey on my back all day. slightly agitated too.

all i want to to is eat and cook stuff. cooking is satisfying. editing photos in photoshop is really laborious at this point... i am a perfectionist... i mean i have FIVE versions of the same dang photo for some months... ended up having to mask different flowers to do different adjustments in the same picture... crazy stuff... and multiply that by about 10 - there were 2 that didn't require it. although. and never mind the touchups...

yesterday i filled in the 2 missing shots with 2 unused ones from last year. but then i didn't have a vertical one for the cover at all. so i did manage to take a picture of a recently acquired plant which might not last long. see, the "just take more pictures" was not exactly easy doint... the calendar mostly targets cactus flowers and/or new plants. the flowers are not in flower any more! for the plants, i need the right light, and i need the parents away - at the same time. and i needed to swap phones because i am sick of dealing with the cyan-skewed photos my current cell makes. add anxiety to the mix and ... well...

.... add lorazepam to that and i managed, in between cooking.

i ate lorazepam and slept today also after a conversation that got me feeling really under the gun about the whole work/unemployment/retirement dealy here... so scared.

anyway, the calendar is essentially complete right now - i.e. if i t had to go to print as is, it wouldn't be the end of the world, only of my perfectionism. there are still 2 pix i want to tinker with more to try to imrpove.

once i've got that calendar "really" finished (tinkered & printed) i should be around more. if i send Christmas cards they won't get there in time now. i may try to send some anyway. that means digging and decisions and anxiety and time. i feel more overwhelmed than ever. so i may not do that. my pdoc is off this week and next week i may not be able to see him.

thank you all for reading my updates and for all of your kind and encouraging responses. i apologize for not replying individually. if i set myself up for that, i probably would not be able to respond at all the way i am now. but i did want to post an update and let you all know that your support does mean a lot to me. so this is the compromise.



~ waves ~