I have a therapist and I can't call Dr.M. I think of death as a release from all my fears which overwhelm me but I am afraid to kill myself because I think it is a sin and i believe there is no exit. I am also afraid of death.
on sunday i called my friend and left a message on her machine. she didn't call me back so yesterday i was really worried so i wrote her a brief message asking if she was busy and told her i was worried. she called me within the hour. that colored my life so much. i can't take things in stride. i blame it on my bipolar and my generalized anxiety disorder. for a long time i have had no energy which might be the result of my depression. it is a rotten way to live.
i didn't go to the senior center so far this week. i hope to go today to sign up for the xmas party. i have to get there early because today and tomorrow they are only allowing 70 people to sign up each day.
I lost a couple of pounds that i had gained. I have a couple of more to lose. that also depressed me. I felt i was accomplishing something when i was losing weight and then when i started gaining weight i felt so awful and out of control.
On the positive side, i enjoyed the class I take on the phone. The fellow said we all have angels and God is always with us and helping us but there is evil and we have to stand up to it. I become very alert when I have the class and seem very interested and alive. My universe has gotten very tiny.
bobby