Dear Bobby
Quote:
Originally Posted by mymorgy
I have a therapist and I can't call Dr.M. I think of death as a release from all my fears which overwhelm me but I am afraid to kill myself because I think it is a sin and i believe there is no exit. I am also afraid of death.
on sunday i called my friend and left a message on her machine. she didn't call me back so yesterday i was really worried so i wrote her a brief message asking if she was busy and told her i was worried. she called me within the hour. that colored my life so much. i can't take things in stride. i blame it on my bipolar and my generalized anxiety disorder. for a long time i have had no energy which might be the result of my depression. it is a rotten way to live.
i didn't go to the senior center so far this week. i hope to go today to sign up for the xmas party. i have to get there early because today and tomorrow they are only allowing 70 people to sign up each day.
I lost a couple of pounds that i had gained. I have a couple of more to lose. that also depressed me. I felt i was accomplishing something when i was losing weight and then when i started gaining weight i felt so awful and out of control.
On the positive side, i enjoyed the class I take on the phone. The fellow said we all have angels and God is always with us and helping us but there is evil and we have to stand up to it. I become very alert when I have the class and seem very interested and alive. My universe has gotten very tiny.
bobby
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i am sorry to hear you struggling so much. i hear your sadness. i know what you mean about the universe feeling like it has gotten tiny - i feel that way too. i used to reach out so much more, now i am afraid to reach but also there is little i really want to reach for. i have gone from being an energetic, dynamic, smart, creative person to someone who is just there and doesn't even want to be.
thoughts of death can be part of depression but i am reassured that you feel fear of death and also have a moral position on suicide. the first - fear of death is part of the life instinct, so it is a healthy thing. morals are personal of course, but in this case, i am just glad because your beliefs will help keep you safe. i treasure you, and i want you safe.
it is hard to take things in stride. we are more sensitive than ordinary people. i cannot take things in stride either. when we are depressed we are even more vulnerable and it is harder still to take things. and remember depression causes us to weigh any failure or shortcoming on our part as greater than our accomplishments, in spite of how hard those might be to come by.
so, especially with that in mind, congratulations on losing those couple pounds!!! and congratulate yourself! it is a big accomplishment. and gaining back a little was only a small setback - it is much harder to lose than to gain!!!! well done!!!
i hope you manage to get on the list for the Christmas party. i am glad you are going to try. let us know how that goes.
the class sounds great... that is an accomplishment too - it is interaction, do try not to diminish it in your mind. it also sounds like it perks you up for a little while... it is good for you. i am glad you are doing that.
love
~ waves ~