is there anyway you could escape through sleep. you have been going through such a very rough time and it is rough just living in the apartment so you have no peace. what exactly are you planning on doing in january? Is it making you more anxious or is it giving you a little ray of hope. You need a little ray of hope. something to cling to now. you sound as if you are just suffering so much and it is unbearable. I haven't written because i was afraid i couldn't write anything positive. Now at least i hope you can find a little ray of hope. maybe even the yoga can do something. the holidays always intensify everything. last night i was trying to make peace with death. no luck.
love you
bobby