Dear Bobby

knowing i am "supposed" to make the class puts pressure on me, and the date getting closer and closer has increased my anxiety, along with the other things - the news/political/economic situation/holiday mayhem. at this point i have to write off the class. i told my parents about it last night and nearly ended up in another meltdown.

my parents make comments if i sleep too much especially if during the day. i can't get across to them to leave me be on that. my mom picks on things like me eating too much cheese. funny how these attacks happened after a few days that i got cheese-phobic (so didn't eat any) after the big argument with her. i think my cheese cravings are nutrient based. i don't eat it with bread. i have trouble with mag citrate because of the residual acidity of the solution. cheese/milk have lots of magnesium in correct proportion with calcium. i also try to eat lots of deep greens (chlorophyll has magnesium). i may need to integrate some zinc because i am not using the pills that have it any more.

sleep is no escape anyway. i go to sleep knowing i will wake up to more of the same. often i dream about moving and not being able to get all my stuff out in time etc etc... i mostly dream about moving between countries, so it's really complicated too.

it's ok to post if you want even if you don't have anything positive to say. it's ok not to post if you don't feel up to it also. don't worry. and your presence doesn't escape me with your "thanks" on the posts. making peace with death... not easy. so many aspects to that. sigh. often i wish i would die in my sleep but i feel guilty just for wishing that.

i feel bad about the holidays because i don't have the energy to celebrate it. i wanted to get a couple bottles of rose wine but i mentioned it to my parents and they picked them up instead. i wish i had not said anything now. it was one of the few things i could have done, and now i can't even do that.

love

~ waves ~