try to catch yourself when you start beating yourself up if you can. i am sorry you can't use sleep as an escape. it sounds like another source of anxiety. i had a bizarre idea and don't know if it would help. go out and buy a tiny plant and start nurturing it. focus just on the plant and nothing else and pour your love into the plant. make sure the plant is a blossoming plant. even violets.
i wonder if some kind of transformation could happen.
is that a wacho idea? where can you find that ray of hope?
love
bobby