yes. but i am wondering, what, in my post made you think i was beating myself up?

my mother beats me up about eating too much cheese. not me.
my mother/father teases me about sleeping in the daytime. not me. i don't care when i sleep and i prefer sleeping in the daytime. i hate being hassled about it. i feel a bit badly because of being in their living room but not too badly because it's not like they tiptoe around me too much either...

was it the wine? that i can't buy them the wine as a present??? that wasn't my fault!!! i didn't want them to get it!!! i am disappointed and upset!!! that is not beating myself up.

now, if it was something else, i would like to know, what.

sorry, but this is a really big trigger for me now, even though it has nothing to do with you.

someone beat the crap out of me ... about what? about beating myself up! when i wasn't! and even after i told them i was not, they turned deaf ears to it, and insisted. like my denying it was of no consequence, their "judgement" was trump or something.... UGH. but even that wasn't enough, they proceeded to twist the thing around to make like i was using their words to do "beat myself up" and it was ALL very very nasty.

this wasn't too long ago, so still now when anyone starts on the "you are beating yourself up" it brings back all that twisted crap, and the confabulations that went before the incident.

we have always watched over each other here in that way, and say that to each other sometimes, reciprocally. except now, i've gone over the top hypersensitive about it. i suppose i'll recover but i haven't yet.

anyway, if you spotted something specific, please tell me what it was. i trust you. i would like the chance to see it if i didn't spot it, at least determine for myself if i was truly beating myself up or not. one thing i can think of now, is the class... i did beat myself up a lot as the deadline approached and i felt i couldn't make it. i have to let it go now coz i won't make it. i don't feel relieved yet though. almost like i am clinging to the hope of a miracle. (or mania??? )

actually that is not bizarre at all. i have been thinking of getting myself another african violet. the last two died not too far apart from each other and i mourned them so long, i just didn't want another one. sometimes they are ill when you buy them (you don't know if it's the roots) and they don't last... i couldn't handle one dying on me. but i will take the chance now. thanks for reminding me.
it is not wacko at all. thank you.

love you too.

~ waves ~ sorry for the mid-post rant