12/22/11
Okay I don’t know where to post this, and I probably should be posting under a nom de plume, but I am done with my marriage but I can‘t leave it. I was having a hard day and lately they have been very hard. My condition has been unruly, and my teen has been as well and my husband has been absent and when here he is very sharp and inattentive. It’s a very stressful time and I try to be understanding to him but it had gotten to a point where I needed to say something to him. I got one sentence out of my mouth and he went off. For the next 25 minutes he berated, demeaned, belittled, mocked, provoked, insulted and ruthlessly hurt me. At no time did I rise to the occasion, I simply tried to stay calm and spoke to him in a very calm voice asking him to try to calm down. It did not matter what I said he just went on and on. Now I will say I was direct in what I said. I did not state anything in a snide or strained voice I just said how I felt directly - it is one of my curses. I was very drained, and had been dealing with the problems at home for days -because he is not here to help. If we could work on our problems together I would be very willing to work on my “directness”, but he won’t restrain himself from his insults - he feels that he has a right to put me down and belittle me if we don‘t agree on a subject. I honestly didn’t say anything bad to him and I said it in a very calm voice - he just takes what I say and if he opposes it he belittles me.

The is the reason I am done. He mocks for even coming here and “pouring out all our problems for everyone to see”. I know we both contribute to the problems in this marriage- and I will own up to mine, I just won’t live with the insults, mocking and belittling anymore.

Now the real meat of the matter is how is someone like me supposed to live single? I can’t get a job - I can‘t use my arms most of the time. I live in a rural area with no resources nearby. I have no family except my children. I have a friend, the only one I have mentioned this to and she said - how could you ever make it? And she is right? I just don’t know what to do, I feel so trapped. I honestly do not love him anymore and have not for a long time. But I really, really wanted to make it work for my children’s sake and what used to be between him and I and what could be between him and I. But I will not live with this insulting any more. And for him to quite insulting me - that means I have to agree with every thing he says.. I don’t know how to live that way. Especially the person he is now. Getting off topic again somewhat - like I said I don’t know how to stay in this marriage, but I can’t go. I CAN NOT leave my children. That might be someones advise but what would that do to my kids? Especially to my adopted children who have already been abandoned by birth family and were old enough to remember it.

If there is someone out there who can lend an ear of sympathy or guidance, I could sure use it right now. Or maybe someone knows of a way I can get help to be on my own - I just don’t know how. I feel like such a little kid; not knowing what I am supposed to do, needing, help and being dependent - I thought when I grew up I was done with all that misery!