Yes, I hope that you both are able to have a good Christmas for the sake of the family. Also, don't underestimate the financial stress the holidays add to a difficult situation.

I do not want to encourage you in the least to stay in an unsafe situation, or even one that is stealing your soul little by little and adding to the immense burden you are already carrying from your childhood, but...

It does sound like your marriage may be salvageable, especially if he would be willing to get counseling. Is there a priest or minister you could talk to? Even if you aren't Catholic, many priests are excellent marriage counselors, they have heard everything imaginable, and it would be low or no cost. (by low I mean a small donation, they do not charge!)

Do not give up, but set boundaries. He needs to see that this is the new normal, and that he has to deal with it better. Some men are blamers. My husband is. He is a kind man who treats me like very well, but he has always been quick to blame other things for his failings, and his first reaction to having done something wrong is often anger, or at least grumpiness. I think it is a common trait in men.

It seems like you both have a lot of baggage that hasn't been dealt with, and is now sabotaging your marriage. Some of what you have said gives me hope, but you definitely need at least one third party to intervene and help you re-establish a healthier relationship. Would it be a relief to him to walk away from all the debt? Are you both committed to staying where you are?

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.