I will look at that site you sent after I talk to you now. I can't begin to feel what you are feeling, but I am frightened for you. You can talk to me anytime you want, it isn't wining or compaining. It is a fact of your life. A human reaching out to a human is never bad, only good. Your wife needs to touch you. You need touch, the warmth of your wifes arms around you, no matter what your physical conditions are. I would rather die in my lovers arms, than alone and distant. Maybe you could whisper in her ear what you want. Ask, tell her, don't be silent. When people are sick that is the time in their lives they need someone the most. Often this happens though from what I read on the posts. People sometimes distance themselves as they themselves can''t cope with the situation or they are afraid, as your wife may be. Forgive me for being bold with this, but for sure, I know that touch is healing, any kind of touch! I hope that this can be restored to your life, as it will help you cope. I live with my best friend, a woman. We are not lovers, but I do have touch. We give back and foot rubs, and to tell you the truth it its wonderful! I get hugs and alot of comfort from this friendship. I am grateful for what I have. When I was in severe pain, she put her hands on me in the hospital for comfort, rubbed my legs when I was trembling from pain. this kind of comfort is essential in my opinion to help you heal. Part of my own family, abandoned me when I got sick. They removed themselves from my life. I know about being left alone too. It isn't good to be alone.
I do have an idea of the fear you have. I have pre-cancer in my throat. a lesion of some kind. My dad died of esophogal cancer, and he seizured from pain in my arms more than once. His death was terrible to witness, and he had hospice. He didn't get enough pain control in my estimation. so I am afraid of dying like that too. I have fear too, and I often don't know what to do to ease it. I came to this site before my big spinal fusion. C3-7, my second. I found friends here who do understand the emoional part of illness if not the actual physical part. Male or female, we all suffer in some way emotionally when we are sick. You dear fence, will be in my prayers. I can offer my friendship for sure. I will be here anytime you want to talk. This site has become a second family to me. I will go look at that site now, to better understand the physical things you face. I will be praying for you, yes I pray and alot! ginnie