12/26/11
I feel like a fraud. Do I qualify as a victim of domestic violence with a massive outburst from him just once a month and little things a few other times a month. So, so, so many women have it a thousand times worse, and how much of this did I bring on myself? Or how much did I “train” him into with my reacting to his tantrum/ “enabling” his behaviors. I really feel that what he does is absolute abuse - but does it qualify me to take the place of a women is experiencing real domestic violence - physical violence?. I guess that’s what I am having a hard time convincing myself - the realness of my situation - what is this really? And again this has only become this terrible since the demands of my condition began.

I have looked back at the beginning of my relationship with Joe though. I have come to realize that he has always been a bit narcissistic. It always been a big deal to make the day about him, or the story about him, or the attention focused on him. I never realized this until recently - well just the other day when you showed me mrsD. I remember when we began therapy a couple years ago and therapist told him that I was not to be his emotional nurturer anymore. I am not sure of the exact words, but the role I held was that of a sort of mother and Joe expect me to be his emotional surrogate and it was just to draining. I had four kids and couldn’t with him needing me so much. That was the biggest and first blow to our relationship and to this day he still resents it. That to be speaks so much of his narcissism - he wants to be first and have all my attention and really makes him bitter when he doesn‘t get it. Now with my condition, not only isn‘t first emotionally, he is in the position as a caretaker, whereas before I was the caretaker.

Zygo - I am so confused. I don’t know what to do. If he talks to me condescendingly and sarcastically I felt adamant I wanted to leave. But then days later working out the logistics and feeling like a failure I have weakened and feel like I am not making the right choice by leaving. Not just that I am not really a victim of domestic violence - its just that usually its not this bad. Who has a perfect life. Lets just say he never belittled or put me down again. Our marriage still would not be fulfilling but it would be adequate. For the children, this would be enough for me to make it work. Maybe, I then say -to myself do I really want them growing up accepting a marriage that is the equivalent to this? It goes back to the philosophy days of when we all question what were going to get out of life and we say were going to have the best marriage ever. Writing this all down though really makes me feel better and confused at the same time. I also can’t call any of the resources you sent me, but I did look at the sites and the cycles are exactly what happens with us. I would like to go and talk with a church leader when the kids get off their Christmas break. I usually don’t drive because it causes severe pain but I am going to make a day when I can get the kids off to school and try to finds some more information on help if I do leave. Especially on my children, he swears that I won’t ever get to see my kids again if I leave. Because my condition prevents me from caring for them he says no judge will ever grant me custody of them - that is probably true- so how could I ever leave him - I can’t loose my kids they are only 5, 8, 10, and 13. He says that I wont get visitation rights because of all the medication I am on. This one I don’t believe, but it doesn’t matter. I could not live a life with out living with my children or animals. There is no reason to live then. I am hoping that when I am able to look into it further there will be information that says there is more support for me.

He has agreed to go back to counseling - but we still have the problem of A) we don’t have a therapist locally who is experienced with couples dealing with chronic pain and B) I don‘t know if he with will ever see that he is an abuser and narcissistic. I do know that subconsciously he is aware of it. There are times that he alludes to it, but in no way is he genuine about it. I am also the one that has to find a counselor - which inevitably he will find fault with and blame. I think I will find a few , then have him choose. I will just have to give up on having one that has experience with chronic pain issues. A giant issue is finances and somehow we have to work together to manage that - but he won’t let me. I am at a loss as how to help him reduce the stress that finances play on our marriage.

He does do a full day at work and then come how and helps his aunt prepare dinner or helps me deal with the special needs of our two older children that I get overwhelmed with emotionally because of their attachment disorders. The kids do helps tremendously and perhaps they could help more. The problems is right now the two older ones are not trustworthy at all. So you cannot have them out of your sight or rely on them to be responsible or reliable. It requires a lot of follow-up and questioning and gets very tedious and is very straining on the family. Unfortunately we do not have the finances to hire anyone to help out - that would be the most wonderful thing in the entire world though. It would be so relieving to have someone available do the household chores and help out around outside a bit also.

Susanne, when you said ---- Do not give up, but set boundaries. He needs to see that this is the new normal, and that he has to deal with it better. Some men are blamers. My husband is. He is a kind man who treats me like very well, but he has always been quick to blame other things for his failings, and his first reaction to having done something wrong is often anger, or at least grumpiness. I think it is a common trait in men. That really meant a lot. It says a lot to. Maybe it is true. I don’t tend to be very observant about other peoples relationships, so I don’t notice if this is a common behavior for men/husbands. But for Joe it has gone to an extreme level. Setting up boundaries is what I have been trying to do and it is not making him very happy. It is creating a lot of strife. It is a trigger for him to have me not react to his insults. It makes him angrier. But maybe he can get it in his head one day that it is not right to behave that way. We would both like to leave the current house we are at, but need to find the right kind of place to move into.

I have so much baggage - how do I deal with my baggage Susanne? Please - Where do I start? How do I address it. I have been in therapy for things that happened to me as a child, felt that they were fairly well resolved. But if my life is this messed up now - I must not be right in the head somehow.

We had a very up and down Christmas he gat angry and apologized a few times. I refused to engage with him on any of those times. It was nice for the children though.

Ginnie I will be contacting you privately, I would like to hear more of your story and talk more about my situation and confusion.

Thank you everyone for listening to me and being there for me through the holidays, when you all have your own lives, concerns and stresses, you sent me your love, prayers, warmth and wishes - THANK YOU!!!!