I'm sorry I went MIA AGAIN. I struggle to get the basics done and everything else seems to fall by the wayside.

A couple of months ago my lithium was reduced from 450 to 300mg twice a day because my levels were too high. I tried to tell pdoc that my levels get too low on 300s and I don't do well on that dose, but she didn't heed my warning.

So, I ended up with increasingly mixed mood, predominantly depression. Saw pdoc last month and told her, but she didn't think a med change was in order.

I ended up with endlessly circulating unpleasant thoughts and memories leading to worse memories, and increasingly intense and more frequent s/s thoughts. I don't think the hypo/manic symptoms are as relevant.

I'm safe right now, so please don't get too alarmed...
But I almost slit my wrists after shaving my armpits in the shower last week. Thank God I dropped the razor, saw imaginary blood in the drain and thought of my husband finding me.
That was the most intense urge I've ever had. The scary part is I've had a long standing plan that I ruminate about at times (I won't keep any ingredients in the house), but this was an impulse to use whatever was at hand.

I called pdoc's office the next day (on vacation and so is tdoc) to awkwardly tell the secretary why I needed an appointment. But I ended up seeing a psychiatrist for an hour and a half. She was focused on the holidays- I had difficulty trying to tell her that it's WAY more than that....

At least she called for my recent lithium levels on the 300s which were way too low. Now I've been on 300mgs in the morning and 450 at night since Thursday. I haven't had another incident like the one in the shower, but not much has improved. I don't see my pdoc until Jan 9, tdoc on Jan 6th.

I think I'm going to have to go there again- maybe tomorrow to see if they can help me more and SOONER. I'm definitely not out of the woods yet. At this point, I'd consider voluntarily committing myself.