I sure do understand those feelings. Someone on this site said something to me that makes sense. When your pain exceeds your ability to "cope" these feeling can and do crop up. I have felt the same way through the severe surgeries I have had. I wanted to give up at times too, and plotted my way in my head. Since that time I found Neuto talk. This added a way to cope better when I became afraid. I found new coping mechinisims, new ways to think, and good direction to go for help when I needed it. Having friends understand you is a good first step. I also found the joy of reading. I bury my head in a book, and I go somewhere else, anywhere else than where I am at. It distracts the thought process, and brings adventure. I come to this site, where I feel others, and they feel me too. That compassion goes along way toward helping me feel better about my condition. This is like a big counceling family, where you really arn't alone, but are surrounded by good souls who will care about you. I am sure there will be others, to give you other ideas with coping with these negative thoughts. Nothing is easy, when a person is overwhelmed, but if you keep coming back here, you will indeed feel better. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am here to listen anytime you need a friend. ginnie