welp.. where do I start? i have been in pain for so long i can't remember not hurting. it starts i guess when i was 17, i got my first boyfriend, he raped me on or date just told me to relax you know you want it. i cryed and he didn't stop. two wks later i found out i was pregnate. i was raised cathlic so i decided to keep the baby and try and work things out with him. i am from an abuseive family and have been molested when i was very young so bad treatment was all i knew. i stayed with him for 3yrs. raped everyday held down and it didn't matter if i was crying begging pleading bleeding throwing up he didn't care. we left him. went to a d.v. shelter. then went home then he followed and it happened again i pressed charges and came back here. i was a mess when i got back. after the court stuff jurry judges lawers. it went bad. i got a job and my own plae after a yr. i got 2nd job and a 3rd and a 4th. i was working myself to death. then i started having trouble with my hands and walking terible headaches and pain got worse and spread. about 4 months ago i meet a ciropractor at a health fair . my pain levels on this scanner thing where extreamly high and he was shocked. i went in to see him and he told me i have subluxaltion stage2 and a -9 degree bend in my neck. i then went to my primary dr where she sent me to get xrays and mris and i have stenosis of c 4,5,6,7 with bluging and protruding disks with moderate to sivere nerve pathway blockage. i cant work i have nothing lost my apartment my car broke. so now my daughter is with my sister because her father is sending child suport so i cant provide for her. and i had found a way to function with out being zombiefid on pain meds. i was smokeing weed along with half my meds instead of all of it. this way i could still drive work move sleep eat. i told on myself because i didnt want to get in trouble i wanted to get real help i have been trying to get my dr to do something for 7 yrs but she dont even remember me when i go it to see her. so to get things i need my family has to give me money and pay my bills and i only get an allowance for gas but i have a old ford bronko so i cant go far. i meet with the surgon on wed. i dont know whats even going on i tryed looking it up but i dont understand. i made an apointment with a shrink for th. but i am scared ill say something wrong and end up in a crazy house. i have p.t.s.d. and socail anziaty sever depression. i am now staying in a shelter. with men and woman very close courters and im scared all the time. my meds make me weird and i dont want to be around anyone. i only get to see my daughter 1 time a wk becaause i dont have gas to drive to where she is. i am also haveing a hard time geting the thc out of my system. last time i smoked was nov 28 but dec 29 it was still in me. my dr and my pharmasist said it ccould take 45 to 90 days to get out because i smoked everynight before i went to sleep. never in the house or around my child . i am a good mother i just felt like i had to keep moving but i couldnt on pills. and it did really help with alot. my daughter fathers new girl friend calls me everyday and wants to be my friend and keeps talking about there fights and blablabla and now they are trying to have a baby...he dont take care of our child. how could he do that? my sisters live out here too and my olderst sister dont believe im sick cus shes mad at the world and numb to emotion because her husband keeps cheetng on her and she keeps catching him but wont leave him. my other sister has friends living with her and her friends husband is in and out of the syke ward. my other sister that has my daught just had a baby so shes a hot mess of i dont know what to do already. my lil sister has no money because she works for our oldest sister and she is taking advantage of her. my parents had an abusive relationship and are devorced . my mom remairaed had my brother who has asburgers and then got a devorce because he cheeted on her. my dad also remaried and she was a pill popper and lmost died from an over dose my brother and i had to brake in her room and carry her to the car to take her to the er. and now we dont talk much. i am a hudge stupid inconveniounce and it be easyer if i just died. no one can afford this no one will be able to help me throw surger if i need it . i will lose my spot in shelter if i do have surgers because ill have to go to rehab. i worry way to much it makes me sound crazy. thats why i try not to talk to people.
the dr didnt read me the lower back mri. because she said she couldnt tell me to much about it because she wasnt a surgon. im sorry all the spelling mistakes i only have limited time on line because the owner here at the shelter is kinda a controle freak and locks everything and when i asked for help or a direction to get help she told me i just had to figure it out on my own. i dont understand i know weed is alligal but if thats the only black mark on my record . do i really desure all this nightmaire? i get on my knees everynight and i have no words except please let me die im so tired and im in so much pain. i only sleep 3hrs if that a night. i am not alowed to sleep during the day . i am so lost