My daughter is grown up now and has a child of her own. She doesn't need me that way. She does need me to not hurt her though and I understand that.

I have told my pdoc and tdoc how I feel. I found a place I can go where I at least I feel like living and have someone take care of me because I can't take care of myself. My tdoc was very supportive. When I got worried about losing my SSDI she told me not to worry. I felt better for about two or three days. Then back to my current state. My pdoc called to check on me and I told her I wasn't going. She tried to get me to come in but I felt she couldn't help. Then my tdoc called because my pdoc told her I wasn't going. She talked to me and told me I really shouldn't worry about losing my disability. But she won't be my tdoc when I go and she won't be my tdoc when I get a review. If I go the symptoms of me not caring for myself will be hidden, because someone will be doing it and be helping me. My stress will go down, my suicidal thoughts won't be as bad because I think of how well I have it and be able to fight against them easier. It will seem that I have gotten better when really it is the change in enviorment and someone holding me togeather that is the difference.

I really can't do it on my own, I want someone to help me through life, help me to care about caring for myself. I know you are supposed to fix yourself first but I can't do it.

If I go and do feel better I feel I don't deserve it because I am not working and I will be punished. If I stay every day feels like punishment for ruining my life. On my own I shower once a week, brushing teeth is worse, cook hamburgers in a dirty pan and will use a dirty plate as long as it isn't too bad. I am gross on my own and often think of putting myself into a group home, but I don't want to lose my independence. I am so dependent but want my independence, I want it all. I am asking for too much help for this pain to go away but it is the only way that works for me. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Thank you if you have read this blubber. It is eating me up inside and writing about it is the only thing I can do.