Originally Posted by acemagoo

Thank you for your reply. The problem is the job didn't make me crazy, life made me crazy and I couldn't hold the job. The job was the only thing that made me feel good but I was falling apart at home and it was impacting my ability to show up, stay at my desk and complete the day. If I could do the job part time from home I would. It just isn't available.

I have tried studying to get skills that might allow me to work from home but I kept crashing. I would study 10 hours a day or longer. Then I would stop studying, sometimes for months. My meds were swithched because I was having mixed episodes, after that I have no interest in studying. My meds were switched again, no difference. I have no ambition to even find a way to work part time from home. I tried to go off my meds to see if I would study again but that didn't work out to well. I don't know if the meds are having that effect on me or if it is just me.

You do have brain trama but you kept trying with bipolar before that happened.

What is my excuse?

I have no value to society and I don't have it in me to try.

The only value my life has is to not hurt my daughter.

A lot of times I want to die, but lately I feel I will have to do it. I have the pain in my chest that makes me think about doing it and fear in my head that I will have to do it. The anxiety is so frustrating.

I ruined my life and feel now I have to pay.

I'm sorry I am posting this, but writing down how I feel so that someone sees it seems like the only thing I can do. It is the only thing I can concentrate on. I wish I could write about it forever so I can do something. I don't want to do anything else.