I ruined my life and feel now I have to pay.

I totally get where you're coming from, but believe me when I say that what you think you have ruined is not your fault at all!! I felt the same way in January of 2009 and came extremely close to ending my own life. Since then, I have chosen not to "pay" but to pay it forward by bettering others' lives. If you feel that you have ruined your life, use that experience as a tool to educate others so they will not make the same mistakes.

Just know that I care, Ace!!