Bless your heart --- I'm sorry. I can totally understand how you feel. I felt like that at one time in my life. It's awful.
Have you tried therapy? That helped me immensely! Like Rrae, I carried a lot of guilt --- for what, I wasn't sure. Both my parents were alcoholics, so I thought *I* had something to do with that.

Perhaps therapy would help you too! It sure can't hurt -- why not give it a try???
I wish you the very best. Please take care of yourself & God bless. Hugs, Lee