I feel very lucky that I haven't suffered from too much depression...but it is a constant internal battle to not let the bad thoughts set in. I have bad days of course...but I feel very lucky to be surrounded by so many people who help keep me strong, friends and family. But it really is a daily battle between me and the RSD and so far I win most of the time. But some days the RSD gets the better of me and I just feel so useless and wonder why I bother. And on those bad days I start to wonder if maybe I am just in denial on my "good" days. But then I snap myself out of it (or someone I love does the snapping for me) and I gear up for battle once more. It sucks that life has to be this constant struggle not to let the RSD get the better of me...I absolutely could not do it without the support of family and friends. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by people who have never questioned me or made me feel like less of a person because of my RSD. Even when doctors might bounce me around from one to the next and treat me like I am crazy, my loved ones never made me feel that way. But there are still those days when RSD gets the better of me. It's a good thing I'm so stubborn or I surely would have been a goner long ago. Just gotta keep fighting for every bit of life I can squeeze out of this messed up body of mine.

In the very beginning before I got the RSD diagnosis I often had thoughts while driving home from work that if I were dead then at least the pain would stop. I never thought of killing myself or anything...just felt like if there were a bad car accident and I died that it would be a blessing. I know these aren't "normal" thoughts and I did start to worry about myself at that point...but I had this pain and the doctors and my boss and peers at work did not take my pain seriously (it was a work injury that caused it). All that negativity from those people really got to me and I really did wonder if I was losing my mind...which just made me feel even worse. Vicious cycle. But when I got the diagnosis of RSD it was like a light was shined on my soul and I started to take control back of my emotions. I was NOT crazy, the pain IS real, and there IS hope. Diagnosis for me was a real turning point...the doctor I had was sort of a jerk...but I truly think he did it on purpose to try to snap me out of it. Pain management doctor...he probably could see how defeated I felt...and honestly his jerk behavior sort of brought out my fighting spirit just as much as the diagnosis. I have a lot of respect for the man in hind sight...he really did bring me back from the edge of what surely was the beginnings of a real serious depression.

The worst for me is how alone it can feel. No one (besides you guys and for you all I am also so very thankful) understands just how awful the pain is and how much doing even the simplest of things hurts. They sympathize and are understanding...but they don't KNOW. And of course I don't really want them to know because I wouldn't wish this thing on the people I hate most in this world...but it doesn't change the fact that it can feel really lonely when I am having a particularly bad flare. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found Neuro Talk and everyone on here. It has helped me cope with a lot of things that family and friends just couldn't...and has given me hope for the future that things CAN get better.

Just gotta keep fighting...