Hi, ((((((Bonnee) <<-- those are hugs!!

Welcome to NeuroTalk.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your son.



I lost my younger Brother to suicide over 40 years ago. Because of my inability to know how to cope with that...and because I was not allowed to talk about it...and because I didn't know how to cry, I spent decades teaching myself about suicide and grief and coping and MORE.

I've got a theory. Keep in mind that I'm no kind of expert, except the kind that's been forced by life experiences to learn how to cope. I believe that some of us (*ME* is a real good example) actually get physical representations in our bodies of what's actually going on it our heads. I believe that it's no accident that humans have come up with terms like "pain in the neck", "pain in the @$$", and too many other ones to even list here.

I know that when I feel that I'm pushing myself to do something that I don't really feel like doing, I get the sensation in my back of being pushed from behind -- pain in the back. Put your hands in front of you and make a forward-pushing motion -- see where you'd feel it if you were standing in front of your hands??

This next example is funny. I was taking care of my Mom at home in hospice over 20 years ago. I was working 40+ hours a week. Taking care of Mom and my son when I got home. Supervising hospice and home health care workers. I woke up at 3AM dreaming of huge 6-pound bugs named 'craps'. I sat on the edge of the bed and started thinking "your mind uses puns to communicate...what does 'bugs' mean?? -->> who's bugging me?? my *MOM*!!" I sat there and laughed hysterically for half an hour This is sad and tragic and funny all at the same time. But, the laughter helped me to cope as long as I needed to.

I've discovered a little trick for communicating with your inner self. Get some big sheets of paper -- newspaper size. Some big fat crayons. Then sit down on the floor (if you can) and draw your pain. What does it look like?? What color is it?? How big is it?? If you're being really honest with yourself, you'll find the *WHY* of the pain. But, even more than that, you find out what your body has been trying to tell you for a very-very long time.

Bonnee, I know how much pain -- psychic and physical -- and grief can bring to your life. I held onto the pain of losing my Brother (the other half of my soul) for almost 13 years -- until I finally got HONEST with myself and sat down in a psychiatric hospital with good therapists and support from my husband and support from our son -- and finally started to face what was hurting so much.

I believe very much that our bodies "talk to us". We seldom pay attention. We ignore the flu to go to work. Heck, I've ignored a broken foot to go to work. We commit ourselves to every part of our lives except *OUR SELF*.

I hope that you start paying attention to your *INNER BONNEE* and get (and give) the love and support and help that you need. Coming here is a good first step.

Since 'grief' is a particular interest of mine, you might be interested in my bookmarks: Grieving (press the [page-down] key two times to get to the appropriate section. If you're a reader, you might also want to go to your local library and get anything you can by either Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross or by Rabbi Earl Grollman.

I'm glad you found your way here. The forums that Jo recommended have a lot of caring, supportive people that can help you on your journey.

Hugs.

Barb