Hey everyone, I'm new here and on the night of new years eve, I decided to get overly drunk and tripped running straight on my hands, right knee and head. Now I went on with my night and can't remember much of how I felt, but I was able to communicate fine, don't recall being dizzy as I jumped right up and laughed it off to avoid embarassment, and just about that. The next day I felt like I was I was everything was dark, I was just really down and I had a headache where I hit my head. I worried about a concussion at first but my dad told me if there was bleeding, I would ”know” by then. So I went on with my day, went to my cousins house for new years etc. I felt normal the next few days after until about a week later, when I started feeling depressed. I went to a friends house and drank quite a bit, and I wasn't very energetic or social, in fact, it felt like I had nothing to say when in a group and tbh I can't remember if my head hurt or not then. I drank 2 beers on another occasion and my head was pounding by the time I went to sleep. Oblivious I never noticed the signs and decided to drink AGAIN but hard liquor a few days later in an attempt to change the depression, but once again I was a mute who felt like I lost myself, which was pretty much how I was sober, and I had a terrible headache the following day for the whole day. Now I can't remember if the headaches were between those first few times I drank because I wasn't too observant, but by that time I definitely had one most of the time sober, and I decided to ”rest” by watching TV for the next 2 weeks or so

Now throughout this timeframe, the depression and depersonalization was the worst part. I have never actually considered suicide, and I know I wouldn't because I love my parents and I wouldn't hurt them, but during this past month, there were soooo many times I actually felt like I wanted to, and that terrifies me because I was always the most optimistic person who couldn't understand why anyone would throw there one life away when things can always be better, but I've completely lost myself apparently. I also felt/feel like there's something obstructing my thoughts, I don't know if its what people call brain fog, but I no longer get racing thoughts or have any personal debates going on in my head, its always simple, slow, unproductive thoughts. Towards the end of the month I felt the headaches dimming, and felt I was better and possibly made the stupidest decision of my life. Still clouded with depression and looking for a quick fix, not thinking what I had was a result of PCS, I decided to go do MDMA for the last time without a doubt. I felt some effects, but I didn't get any happy euphoric feeling, just a headache once again where I hit it and some of the effects, but nothing making me happy, just more depressed and I decided to go home.

The day after my head hurt in the same spot, and I didn't feel most of the terrible after effects I've felt in the past(my head actually hurt less the following day than the times I drank) but I knew at this point that a) I am never touching drugs again, and b) I definitely have something wrong with me(I'm aware I was stupid enough not to realize it before, I think I did actually, but I was just in denial). I pieced it together back to my head injury, and it really makes the most sense, and the symptoms I was feeling are similar to a lot of other peoples' experiences(I think...).

I'm going to see a doctor asap, but now I'm extremely scared that my decision to drink and do this hell of a stupid drug could have permanently screwed up a hope of recovering, being the anxious person I am. I was just wondering if anyone had any insight/knowledge about this?

I'm 18 if that means anything(turning 19 next month) and not to sound rude but I'd prefer not to be scolded for the mdma thing because I'm already terrified about any damage it couldve caused and never plan to touch it again

Thank you