Hello sadkell12, I too am so very sorry for your losses.

Please know that I care and that I understand a little of what you are going through. If I could hold you and tell you that everything will be OK I would, but we both know that you won't be OK until this awful pain in your heart begins to heal.

I went through something similar to what you've been through and even though I would like to tell you that I know how you feel .... nobody knows the pain you're experiencing. Everyone is so different. Every one copes differently. No two people are the same.

I lost 4 babies and I remember the terrible pain that I suffered when each of my babies died, and each new death was worse than the one before. I was so distraught I did not know how I would manage. There was no real professional support back then. I virtually had to work through it alone and there were times when I thought I would never get through that awful heartache ..... times when I didn't know if I'd get through that day, or the next. Times when I thought that nobody understood what I was going through or that anybody cared...not even my closest relatives. They did care, I just couldn't see it at the time.

If you feel like I did, please do not give up hope. There are people out there who really do care and there are many options open to you to help you through this terrible time. I know that nothing will bring your babies back but I hope we, the members here, can help to give you the support that you need either ourselves or by suggesting other avenues for you to explore.

Have you read any bereavement books or seen any of their tapes/CD's? Have you thought about seeing a bereavement councillor? They have been designed to help people who have lost a child, some of them are compiled by the bereaved parents themselves.

I'm wondering if you have a special memorial place for your babies? If not, how do you feel about making one.... somewhere where you can spend some time to think about your little angels.... somewhere you can embrace them with your love and it can be anywhere you feel at ease. There is no wrong place.

If you believe in Christ, then your local church would be a good place to start, but if you prefer not to choose that avenue, then how about a quiet place in your garden .... or beside a river or a lake.... or a particular seat at your local park .... or just about anywhere you feel comfortable?

For me, it's a garden seat overlooking the water which gives me the atmosphere I need to for my mind to relax, and for me to be comfortable inside my head. It's a quiet place where I can remember my loved ones without ever having to explain myself, to anyone.

It might be hard right now, but please don't push your friends away. If you're anything like I was when I went through that frightful time in my life, I wanted to see no-one but my husband for ages. I'm sure your friends care about you too but if they seem to be a bit distant at the moment, remember that they probably don't know what to say and that's not because they don't love you, it's more to do with them not wanting to cause you any more pain.

If you have your nursery ready, then consider spending a little time in there. ... I did and I know it helped me. Oh, I cried a lot. I'd sit on the floor holding one of the baby's toys or an item of clothing and I'd sob my heart out, but I do think it helped me to come to terms with my loss(es). Eventually my pain eased a little. Eventually I accepted that my baby would never use the nursery, so I started donating the clothes, toys and furniture to babies who needed them. It took me a while, and there were times when it really hurt, but looking back I think that helping others was one of the ways that helped me to get my own life back on track.

There are lots of support programs available for parents who have lost a child. Sadly I'm unable to help you with their names and contact information because I don't live in the USA but I am sure one or more of our members will be able to help you there.

Please let us know if there's anything we can do for you and remember that you are not alone. I care and I think you'll find that many of our members really care as well. You are in my thoughts and prayers.