I never heard back about my depakote levels so I guess they are fine.

Yesterday, though, I was having suicidal thoughts- looking up the needed dosages of common drugs to kill myself. Seems that the idea of taking too much trazadone wouldn't work- just make you really miserable. Benedryl, however, would work. I tried talking with my boyfriend about it. He said he just got over 2 years of his own depression and that I should branch out to my other friends and have more sessions with my social worker. Grr. Then we went out to eat for ice cream and I told him a bit about my past with my alcoholic dad and why I get afraid and why my brain stops being logical and that when I feel very scared I don't know anything but to go to him whom I trust. That yesterday at work I could only think of suicide and that was worrying me that it didn't worry me. My car had died a few days before and that seemed to be the catalyst to this all. Now it is fixed. I tried calling my psych. dr. but got voicemails and not much help. Whenever I start feeling REALLY bad, I tend to want to hole up and not let anybody know where I am- so when I GO to him its a last-ditch help-me thing. I sometimes feel very unloved by the world and Sunday and Monday I was feeling like I missed having my family- the one I left when I divorced my ex. Our kids and us- ... we'd eaten at my ex-father-in-law's after a rehearsal near his house and that's what set it off, too. That and it seemed ten years had just flown by. Then that afternoon on the way home, my car died. All my coping strategies go out the window when I get really bad. Most of the time I can do well remembering what I'm taught, but there are days when it all is lost to me. I was just reading on this site that trazadone can make you suicidal .... is that if you miss doses? And what about Depakote? Celexa? i dont' always take those meds and I do miss them here and there.