I first want to welcome you to Neuro Talk. You have found a great site that can help you to cope with some of your feelings. Others will respond too and offer some suggestions. Many of us on this site have had depression, and are getting some help in some form. Stay on your medication, even though you don't see any results. You should report your feelings to your physician, for advice on this, maybe an adjustment of your medications would help.
Even if you don't have money there are facilities in most towns that can offer some help to you emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask for the help you need. These feelings are horrible to live with, and there is help out there if you would just reach for it.
There are a few things you can do right now, that may help. I use distraction as a method of changing my mind and attitude. Music, books, walking outside, talking to my friends right here. All of this can really help. You are not alone. Keep coming back here and we will respond to you. Even if you never read, if you can get a subject you like, it will take you to another location in your mind. It is like putting your problems on a shelf, and ignoring them for awhile. For me this has opened the door and let some fresh air in.
I do know about loss, and the feelings that come when we loose someone we very much love. We can heal from this, it takes a bit of time. Try not to blame yourself for what happened. I am here for you anytime you need to talk. You are welcome to PM me also. Try to open a new door in your life, ask for help, and try to distract your mind from all of it, even if it is just a short time. I care about you. Neruo Talk has helped me very much during the crisis I have had in my own life. You will make some friends here too. I also want to tell you that using any kind of drug to self medicate isn't going to do much good, it can only hurt you. Even though you may get a temporary good feeling, it isn't a solution and can even make you more depressed. MJ, can increase the feelings of negative things, and will not help for a real recovery. I do not judge a person, I am the last one who could and would do that. I know from experience that this drug isn't the answer. Reach for the right kind of help. ginnie