Eghatch,
I am sorry to hear of your situation, I can feel the despair in your post. I am not one to judge, I can only refer to what has worked for me. I never drank, not even one beer. It seems to me that whenever you sober up you usually have more of a mess to clean up than when you started. The same for drugs-just didn't seem like the answer. I was looking for someone who I could take my box of junk to, dump it on the floor and say give it back to me when you've fixed it. Ya know what-that person who is going to fix your life is YOU. You have to believe in yourself. I would definitely recommend going to the nearest emergency room and stating that you are depressed and need some help. You will get into counseling, your medication will be assessed. You cannot fight this on and off of meds. You need this time to get some intensive treatment so that you can stand on your own. Right now you need support. Hope I've helped.