Hi Kitten,
my first thought on reading your post was exactlly what Blue replied... that she was delusional, possibly psychotic. however delusions are (to my limited and non-professional knowledge) usually consistent - i.e. as you point out here, i would expect a delusional person to tell the
same "lies" to different people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by knittenkitten
Blue, I though she was delusional too until I talked to her brother and SIL. She is telling them different stories about a different man. She is telling me how terrible her job is and how much she can't stand the woman she works with and telling her bother and his wife that her job is great and she loves her coworker. So it appears that she does not believe things are real. She just seems to have a need to lie. Her SIL called her a very sick girl. She is right.
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I would still agree she is a very sick girl. There are forms of mental illness where people simply confabulate - in some cases talking to the person after 10 minutes they might not even be consistent. there are also pathological liars who lie for a variety of deep-seated reasons but they cannot help it.
i feel for you because i know i would feel caught between the devil and the deep blue sea too.
you have two basic considerations here though:
1. your mental health.
2. her mental health.
The problem as i see it is, what approach might you take, so as not to put these at odds, or in competition?
a slow distancing as MrsD proposes might be one option for you if you actually want to cut her off... sort of taper...
You don't need to make the final decision just yet though. i definitely think you are too close to the situation at the moment... if you took some distance, you might find a point where remaining in contact is tolerable.
things have changed, and you will need to adjust mindset accordingly. you now know she is lying, that she has a serious problem. it sounds like there was a good bit of shock involved for you too. that will wear off. after that, you still won't be able to resume a "normal" relationship with her.
nonetheless, you could
choose a different role, if you wish. she is incapable of reciprocity... so, you can choose not expect it. this doesn't mean you become her therapist (you could encourage her to see a therapist). for the rest, you do not need to believe her or advise her on her "issues" (real or fake... you won't know which is which, but you do not need to know.)
i would start by limiting your time with her, as a way of asserting healthier/more comfortable boundaries for yourself than what you seem to have now without estranging her. you need to get to where you are not giving too much of yourself. that means in terms of time, attention, frequency and even thought when you are not actually in contact.
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i see a lady regularly in an area i have to go to for appointments... she has a severe psychiatric condition and confabulates. i didn't know it at first... i realized it when she said something about plumbing that was totally impossible. from that i realized many other things she says are likely confabulations. i am not her therapist. i do not challenge her. she does not seem to have friends. i sometimes sit with her and simply allow her to say what she will say. i try to hear her needs more than her words. it is like listening with the heart more than with the ears. often i feel that she needs some attention, sympathy, company. accordingly, i offer what i can in that regard. sometimes, i just sit, smile, listen. i may say something comforting. but all of this,
within my own limits, and compatible with my own needs. i expect nothing from her.
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i think you can manage this. the adjustment will take some time, understandably. but it doesn't have to be an all or nothing. there are many shades of gray, and besides that... an infinite spectrum of colors...
keep us posted on your thoughts, or developments. and in general, please know that you are welcome here. being bipolar or posting on bipolar issues is by no means a requirement.
~ waves ~