I'm pretty sure everyone here is probably tired of hearing me complain about my situation. *I'm* tired of my situation...My cognitive functions have gotten worse and worse as the months pass. Every day I wake up and I'm either the same as the day before or worse. Its not a roller coaster...if it was, I'd have symptom free days or good days followed by some bad days. Its not like that for me. Every day is bad...really bad, and its just a matter of whether its tolerable or not. Usually not.

I'm changing...my personality is changing, my speech is changing, my thoughts are changing. When I go to open my mouth, nothing comes out or its jumbled all around. I can't form thoughts to put into speech anymore. I'm even having trouble interacting with my son. That started at the beginning of this month and just got worse a few days ago and just stayed that way. Out of nowhere, I will become completely unaware of my surroundings. My brain shuts down in short conversations...I wake up not knowing where I'm at, thinking I'm at my old apartment or sleeping in my car. I wake up sometimes and the person I sleep next to doesn't look familiar. I go to say something and blurt something out that doesn't make sense. I know what I want to say but my thought process just stops when I start speaking.

Yeah, I have some stressful moments. I get angry and have anger outbursts...okay, we all know stress makes things worse. But, it usually takes a day or a week to recover from a stressful day or event. I don't ever recover from them. I have a stressful day...wake up the next day non-functional. So, I tell myself okay, I'm having a setback. I remain calm...get plenty of rest, have very minimal conversation and limited computer time...I sleep that night a full 8-10 hours and wake up the next day even worse....and it just stays that way and repeats everyday. It doesn't get better at all.

I'm not tired. My brain isn't exhausted. Its just screwed up all the time. I feel wide awake. I sleep well, I have full, vivid dreams that I usually remember when I wake up. I don't even do anything really...maybe some browsing on here, some laundry, make a sandwich. I don't watch TV or play video games. I go for walks around the apartment complex. I don't even go shopping anymore. So what the hell???

How the hell are you supposed to stay positive when your life sucks every day? What's the point in living if you have nothing to look forward to but a load of crap everyday? Man, I can't even interact with my son because my cognitive symptoms have me acting weird and saying weird stuff and feeling weird, and not recognizing my surroundings and the people around me.

Don't get me started on health care. I have no help from any doctor that I've ever seen. None of them give a crap about me...I tell them what's going on, and how I don't have any improvements, just a constant decline for 9 months and they don't say or suggest ANYTHING. You know, I just had to refer MYSELF to a neuropsychologist for an exam? I had to refer MYSELF to a speech therapist...none of the doctors even suggested those things. They don't try to do anything to find out why I'm getting worse. I haven't hit my head again, at least not hard enough to cause a concussion. Its not freakin stress..because stress doesn't cause permanent cognitive and neurological deficits, okay? Its not all in my head...I know that for a FACT.

I have Victims of Crime which pays for CRIME related expenses. So, if there is something else going on with me, like MS or some other kind of neurological disease or something else that needs to be checked in a full blood panel...I can't get it. I don't have insurance. I spent a couple hours trying to find an affordable insurance plan that doesn't have a huge deductibe...I couldn't find anything.

What am I supposed to do? I'm not freakin kidding when I say that I'm getting worse and staying worse...who do I turn to? I've seen 3 neurologists, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a nurse practitioner...I'm going to see a neuropsych for an evaluation, but what good is that gonna do? That's just going to prove I'm screwed up...but what can they do about it?

IICP? Dementia? Alzheimers?

It has to be something. Do you know anyone with a brain injury that slowly got worse instead of better? What about someone with a brain injury that gets no headaches at all? Just worsening cognitive deficits that get worse every couple months??? I've read just about every thread on this support group and the other one I'm a part of and have found nothing like it.

I'm sorry for the rant, I'm sorry for whoever is reading this but I need HELP. I just want to get better...I want to find out what is stopping my recovery and making me go backwards. What do I do???? I want to enjoy my life, I want to be able to take care of my son. I'm at a freakin breaking point...