Time for a vent...not sure how this is going to turn out because my ability to express myself is getting worse and worse.

I'm tired of my problems being blamed on anxiety (constant worry) and psychological issues (think its there but its not). I know how I feel, I know my brain, my mind, my thoughts, my body...I know when something is real and when its just "in my head". I'm ****** up!!! Its getting worse and worse...that's not psychological, its really freakin' happening. My threshold for stimulation is getting smaller and smaller. The time it takes me to recover from something, even something as small as a 10 min conversation, is getting longer. The end result of overstimulation is getting worse. Its getting harder and harder for me to express myself...people are talking to me and I just DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!!! There is nothing there. Its not just a bad day or a bad week...its been a bad RECOVERY since the start. What do I have to show after almost 10 months? NOTHING. I have less skills and abilities than I did months ago...and its getting worse all the time.

I hear everyone talking about how good they are doing now, and how things are much better than they were 6 months ago, or what-not...and I'm happy for you guys. Rock on...but I'm freakin' jealous because I'm trapped in a bubble with the ability to do absolutely nothing without pushing my cognitive symptoms over the hill. I'm like BUBBLE BOY. 10 minutes of a cheap, 1990 2D fighting game last night and I'm a complete space cadet MUTE for going on 24 hours and then some. God forbid I spend a day playing with my son at the park...even with closed eye breaks, I'm in bed for 3 days being tortured by my cognitive deficit.

I'm tired of living under a rock!!! In February, I had some pretty bad cognitive symptoms...but if I layed in my quiet room with my earplugs, my thoughts were SO MUCH CLEARER. I could run around town to several appointments a day, spend lots of time with my son, go to the store...and be fine the next day. Now, I step outside for a walk and I'm instantly on overload. If I continue to go for that walk, I'm screwed up for days and days..even if I spend those days resting and doing light activities.

How the **** am I supposed to handle 6 hours of therapy and counseling a day, 5 days a week? Its been 3 days since that meeting with the director of NCEP and I'm STILL on overload. My family probably thinks I'm crazy...I'm alive for one day and then I can't even talk or function at all for the rest of the week. Oh look, he's getting better...ah, nevermind, he's not.

I just got dressed and stepped outside for some fresh air..you know, maybe because its "psychological" and I just need to get out the house...hahaha...no.

"Don't focus on every minute"...umm, okay...I won't. But every minute is the same. TORTURE. I've been told to look at recovery as a marathon, not a sprint. Improvements are supposed to happen in baby steps over weeks and months. My recovery has been declines over the weeks and months. I'm getting worse every month and THAT, is not a lie. Its not in my head...its really happening. In October I enrolled in Pima Medical School...yeah, that's how good I was feeling. When the day came around to start in November, that's when all this crap started. I had to reset my start date for this month...April. That's 5 months. I'm WORSE than I was in November by FAR....by waaaaay FAR.

How can such a simple injury cause so many problems? Why am I able to do and handle less than I was before? Why doesn't it just get better?

Once I get insurance, which should be in a few days, I'm going to get a full battery of testing done on me...I'm going to make someone look beyond the brain injury and find out what's really going on. There's a reason for everything...and when I find out what that reason is, I'm going to shove that paper that shows my diagnosis in everyone's face that blamed my problems on anxiety and psychological issues.

Nick

P.S. I'm not crazy.