Hello dear Eva, don't ever think you complain. You are one of the bravest people I have met here. You are such an inspiration to me. You also help me in my own faith. this is the right spot to come to when you are down or depressed. This is the place we gather to give support. I was hoping you had a doctor that would evaluate you back better. I know the previous surgery didn't go well at all for you. Would you share with me exactly what they did in that surgery that made it worse? I hope you don't have to have a pump put in, but if that would give you quality of life with less pain, maybe it would be worth it to at lease investigate. I so hope there is a help for you. I also want your reconstruction to go OK. It is OK to grief the loss Eva. any time a person looses a body part, it is very normal to feel that way. I lost my hair at a young age, and there are still days I grieve for my hair. Sometimes I still cry. I do allow myself to grieve, then I try to move on. Thats all any of us can do. Allow the tears Eva, it really is OK. Know that I think about you on a daily basis, and that you are in my prayers. I hope this night you are surrounded with heavely angels while you sleep. ginnie