Ok I really didn't want to air out my private stuff but I feel it's so important to do so. I went to simply renew my prescription for Lexapro that had already been approved by workman's comp. I waited and waited for approval and none came. This meant no medication for me. I couldn't afford them since they are over a 100 bucks, anyway. Then the adjuster told the pharmacist they will not cover it.

Over the last week I noticed I have been crying more. Over every little thing. Those who know me would say they probably rarely see me cry.

Well yesterday I was taking my lovely enjoyable walk (I've been walking twice a day) to get off some of my "sadness". In the middle of my walk I had a wave of sadness so profound (again) that I bawled my *** off. I then said that's it I'm done dealing with all this head injury crap. I'm sick of it, sick of feeling like ****, sick of being told I cant work, sick of being a burden to my family.. you got it...I was done. I had already told my husband we were through the day before. I took off my rings and said enough is enough.

Well I got to the end of my walk and there is a bridge with a waterfall and the thought came to me, " I could just take of this in one jump" I went over to the ledge, looked down at the waterfall. No fear just a numbness and I contemplated it.

Maybe a gaurdian angel was by my side but then a thought came to me. Me as a little girl, answering the door to a police man telling us my step father who I loved so much, had taken his life. I remember the sadness, the anger and I vowed no matter how tough life got I would NEVER do this to my children.

I turned away quickly and got off the mountain to home. When I got home my husband was still asleep. I went into the bedroom and cried and cried and cried and cried. I told him what had happened.

I had an appt at my therapist about an hour later. I sucked up my tears, put my best foot forward and I went. I'm not sure how I got there and I probably should not have driven. I refused to let my husband bring me.

Out of all the sessions we've had not once had I cried. Yesterday I walked in and let it all out. He was going to admit me but I told him my husband will watch me. He said no walking alone and to give all my meds to my husband. I explained the difficulties with getting the Lexapro. He said basically that I cant stop this medication all at once. It's a slow weaning process. Basically not taking it sent me into a deep clincal depression.

I am embarrassed by my actions because I love my family so much. I know if I get any worse I'm to go inpatient. I really dont want to go that route. I think if I wasn't at home with my family and my furry kitties I would be in deep trouble.

Again, I just wanted to warn everyone that it's not ok to just stop a medication. My attorney had now set me up with a mail order pharmacy who fights workman's comp if they deny and will still send me my medications. I will not be burdened with the messed up system.

I'm waiting for the script now and still teetering between tears and complete sadness. I guess it'll be at least a week before I start to feel better. I'm so scared of myself right now.