Thank you so much for your thoughtful and engaging replies.

I was seeing a therapist for about 5 months prior to what happened to me in January, but afterward I just wanted to be alone and I stopped going. I was taking celexa as well, but I also stopped that. I had a pretty bad break with reality, stopped trusting men altogether and didn’t want to leave my house. I had never felt so violated before and just didn't want to speak to anyone about it, let alone my doctor (even though I really do like him!). I withdrew into myself which is VERY atypical for me as I am usually quite gregarious and open. Now I know that this behavior was very destructive to me and was not the right course of action to take. As soon as I can I will go back into treatment. I never want to be that sad again. Ever. I had thoughts every day of just wanting to disappear. Worst time of my life, ever.

While in the taxi on the way to the airport in Italy, I explained the situation (sans suicide attempt) to the taxi driver and he had some interesting things to say. He said some men just get the tendency to pull back when they think things are going to get serious. I know that my ex has a history of being like this, even when we were together. He also said that if someone truly loved you, they will always have some spot for you in their heart. I think this is true—I have a sense of benevolence towards all of my exes and would do anything for them should they ask.

Despite it all, he was incredibly nurturing to me and we got along great when I wasn't having a depressive episode. We made each other laugh and he made me the happiest I could have ever been, considering my long term issues with sadness. How sad it was to know that he really did love me with all his heart and soul, but my depression made me feel undeserving and in turn, I pestered him and was quite co-dependent as if I had something to prove to myself. I would fixate on the littlest things and just wear him down with it. It wasn’t easy. It was easy for me! I was the depressed one. I wasn’t the one being hounded with “do you really love me?”

I know now that for sure, 100% if I did not have these issues with dysthymia that I do have and that if I were actively taking a role in getting better, we would have not had the problems we had and we probably would have been married by now. When I moved back to NY we were heading in this direction. We were looking at apartments together in Italy when I had to go back home. This is just something I know in my heart. It's devastating to me to think that I will never get another chance with this man. The finality of it is heartbreaking to me. I want to believe that if I get my act together, there is still a chance with him. However, I think with my attempt I might have ruined that. I hate burning bridges and I feel I may have.

In any case, I plan on concentrating on just me. I'm practicing Muay Thai and finishing up my classes in preparation for grad school. I've been planning on moving back to Italy for a while now that my family situation has calmed down (I moved back to the U.S. because my grandmother died and my cousin was diagnosed with cancer.. so it was an extreme one-two punch) and I will be back by September. That gives me 5 months or so to completely concentrate on myself.

Is it possible that Ryan (I'm using a fake name) could see that I am making positive effort in my life to change? Is the love totally lost? Is love ever totally lost? Now that he knows what I did, can he forgive me? Will his mother think I'm crazy? She continued to speak to me almost every day after the breakup--she always told him to not let me go/that I was a keeper. He must feel something for me still... he told me he cares very deeply for me, but dealing with my issues got to be too much for him. I believe it! Or is it possible that once a love is dead, it can never be revived again, no matter how much each respective partner betters him/herself?