About forgetting your dose, and then having that impulse that maybe if you got off it you'd get some hypomania... instead of the stupid depression... i can totally relate. totally 5000%. not saying jumping off the geodon is a good thing, but i follow the feeling AND the logic - it isn't illogical at all.

you know i once dumped my depakote... it started incidentally too except more i was sick of taking the depakote... i didn't want it. well, i ran out over a weekend, and i had some gabapentin and used it to cover seizure threshold. then i said, what the heck i don't need the stupid depakote. (meanwhile, on gabapentin for about a week, i saw an effect on migraines - that's how i discovered it.) But it doesn't affect mood for me.

I was on Zoloft at the time and did not reduce that dose nor did I really taper the Depakote. i mean to go medless one has to taper really slowly, as far as mood goes. I got manic not too sure how quickly. I know we kept having to lower my Zoloft but I remember finally my pdoc quite went off at me ... i was talking and talking wouldn't shut up and he couldn't interrupt - he ended up ... using a louder voice to talk over me saying GO BACK ON DEPAKOTE!!! IMMEDIATELY!!!! lol.

i don't blame you about your therapist either. i thought it was your pdoc who was hung up on the alcohol. if she is a good therapist though, she will know that if you are not ready, she cannot push. also, you get to choose your own path and she cannot be the one to decide what you can and cannot control. so i would at least take one session to confront her - when you feel ready. I would tell her exactly what you said here. that you do not want to stop drinking, that you feel judged and pushed by her, that you feel therapy is not useful when you feel this way, and that what you want from her is something different. Then, tell her what you DO want out of your sessions and ask her if she is good with that. if she is, fine. if she insists on harping... well you might really have to let her go. I know you really liked this therapist and go back a ways. That is why i think you should talk to her. It seems like the relationship is worth saving - and probably can be. But i do understand needing to stay away for a while. I can relate too. I have done that before. (((hugs)))

keep us posted as to what happens with the Geodon... what your pdoc says if you ask her about it...

waves